Two months into the new place .....and like all new houses.....this one also , slowly.... is starting to unfurl on me , unlocking its nooks and crannies, the favorite hiding places....the curling-with-coffee-laptop points.... the fold-your feet-with a book corners . Out of all the moves i have been through , and trust me ...there have been too many to count , this one, has been the most difficult.....and i have been struggling to make sense of the why's .....
Well of course ...as my dad accuses me ...i have changed.....that my favorite city in the world changed me....
Changed ?
I look at myself in the mirror and i smile and whisper back...." no....not changing dad...i am aging ...I am getting older...." And thats not necessarily a bad thing you know....at least not how i see it ....
There are things about growing older that nobody prepares you for .....the first sighting of grey in your hair , the jaw that juts out , just a wee bit more assertively , the crows feet next to your eyes , which i simply adore...which kind of drags and maps the line of joy all the way from soul to heart to the eyes....The youthfulness , the freshness that is slowly getting replaced with the knowledge of all the milestones, the firsts that have come and gone forever and have left an indelible mark on you....it reflects you know....it reflects in your eyes, your skin ...your very being.....
Then there are your breasts and hips and arms and shoulders.....that remind you of the gravy train bounding forward relentlessly. Make peace with it .
But that is not the changing ...the aging my dad implied and that is certainly not the aging ...that has been on my mind last couple of days....like i said....there are things about aging....that nobody tells you about....
The biggest of them is ...coming into your own ' ....Might make some of you snicker but -- there is a metaphorical butterfly inside each of us ...and so is the cocoon ....and there is no set age , time for the cocoon to fall away and the butterfly to emerge....but what IS definite is the fact ....that its an occasion to be celebrated....this setting free because no one else can do it for you....you will come into your own at your pace....at a moment...a phase...a time of your own choosing.....that sacred place where independence and assertiveness and humility and confidence all merge together seamlessly...gracefully .
This moment is about YOU . and only you . It isn't meant to wow or hurt or thrill or sadden anybody ....This moment just is . There are no ellipsis after it . Don't apologize for it .
Friends , relationships, family sometimes ...without meaning to...can make us feel bound...held back...Sometimes we and other times...they forget ...that we are our own person , that there are endless other roles each one of us play and have a right to ...in the various niches of our lives . And these niches are not necessarily intertwined ...they don't have to be . Family or friends is not akin to being Siamese twins and as we grow older .....we stop making excuses for this bit....for needing that time out...the breathing space but more importantly feeling the need to screen those other sides . As a mother , its a lesson i teach myself....to extend the same understanding and discernment to my children , as they grow older......
Because trust me....all of it...requires huge....really huge amounts of courage...The courage to finally say...that not everybody likes me and i am okay with it ......That its okay to outgrow things and people and friendships and relationships . That its my choice to decide who and what and how i want to divide my 24 hours into . It does not make me a bad person ...or any less kind or gracious or humble...It just means that i am doing the best i can .....and you have to trust me on that .
Its okay....to let go .
And its okay for others to let go too . There will always be people ....grown men and women...who will let you down , use you.....And there will also be those who will make you feel like a fool . You may think you have earned and developed the ability to judge and sift but if there is one thing i have learned , then it is this....that there is no escaping this hurt . That people look you into the eyes and speak lies , say things they do not mean at all ....the good guys....with people hanging onto their every word....the cool ones...who act fearless ....that turn out to be the biggest cowards, the ones who stitch together neat lies to make themselves look better...i think they probably believe it about themselves too...
Let go....it is their journey and their own figuring out to do . I read somewhere that , some stuff doesnt age well....bitterness is a really ugly thing in an adult .
Honesty is the single best gift you can give yourself and your loved ones especially as you grow older...
.....honesty that rears its head when you reach 35 ....like i have and wonder , what is it exactly....that you are doing with your life....oh you know the constants , the responsibilities ...the haves and the have nots.....but you still wonder...in moments lone...
No matter how great and happy ones life is....there is a certain loneliness thats attached to growing older and coming into your own...but that is just how contradictory life and its emotions are.
And i am okay with this lonely ....which many of you will argue and call solitude . No, it isn't....its just plain lonely......the kinds that makes you fall in love with late night and wee hours of the morning conversations ...the kind of spilling forth of all sacred ...non sacred thoughts and ideas and experiences ...
and some times...sharing of the quiet....that can only happen after a certain age.....
i am okay and thankful for it ....for the quiet that streaks my sky in those wee hours of the morning when its still dark and i can spread a rug in my terrace and wonder about
how growing up is synonymous with summer trapped in the furrow between the eyes
and the smell of winter in the hair
and spring inside that heart....
Stealing words from the ' Architect '
I would want to tell them one thing:
"Your life, your body," I would say
“is a country with a history
as thick as any the lands you walk on.
It in are your own wars, your own triumphs,
you’re own laws, you’re own leaders.
There will be those that will try to rule your country,
try to shape it, mold it - deny them. Refuse them entry
because only you know the weather patterns,
the landscapes, the inhabitants.
There will be days where it will rain and flood you -
let it. For with the rain, comes growth.
There will be a time when someone
will try to make you their home - this is a good thing.
But wait for the day an architect travels to you,
wait for the one who will look beneath the surface
and love the fossils as much as the flowers."
and thats all this change is dad.....happens with age....just like that .....seemingly out of nowhere , your soul gets wings and it could never..... not be so .
grins n smooches
Sonny ~
