Thursday, 1 August 2013

And things.....as things do.....changed ~



Two months into the new place .....and like all new houses.....this one also , slowly.... is starting to unfurl on me , unlocking its nooks and crannies, the favorite hiding places....the curling-with-coffee-laptop points.... the fold-your feet-with a book corners . Out of all the moves i have been through , and trust me ...there have been too many to count , this one, has been the most difficult.....and i have been struggling to make sense of the why's .....
 
Well of course ...as my dad accuses me ...i have changed.....that my favorite city in the world changed me....
Changed ? 
I look at myself in the mirror and i smile and whisper back...." no....not changing dad...i am aging ...I am getting older...." And thats not necessarily a bad thing you know....at least not how i see it ....
There are things about growing older that nobody prepares you for .....the first sighting of grey in your hair , the jaw that juts out , just a wee bit more assertively , the crows feet next to your eyes , which i simply adore...which kind of drags and maps the line of joy all the way from soul to heart to the eyes....The youthfulness , the freshness that is slowly getting replaced with the knowledge of all the milestones, the firsts that have come and gone forever and have left an indelible mark on you....it reflects you know....it reflects in your eyes, your skin ...your very being.....

Then there are your breasts and hips and arms and shoulders.....that remind you of the gravy train bounding forward relentlessly. Make peace with it . 

But that is not the changing ...the aging my dad implied and that is certainly not the aging ...that has been on my mind last couple of days....like i said....there are things about aging....that nobody tells you about....

The biggest of them is ...coming into your own ' ....Might make some of you snicker but -- there is a metaphorical butterfly inside each of us ...and so is the cocoon ....and there is no set age , time for the cocoon to fall away and the butterfly to emerge....but what IS definite is the fact ....that its an occasion to be celebrated....this setting free because no one else can do it for you....you will come into your own at your pace....at a moment...a phase...a time of your own choosing.....that sacred place where independence and assertiveness and humility and confidence all merge together seamlessly...gracefully .

This moment is about YOU . and only you . It isn't meant to wow or hurt or thrill or sadden anybody ....This moment just is . There are no ellipsis after it . Don't apologize for it .

Friends , relationships, family sometimes ...without meaning to...can make us feel bound...held back...Sometimes we and other times...they forget ...that we are our own person , that there are endless other roles each one of us play and have a right to ...in the various niches of our lives . And these niches are not necessarily intertwined ...they don't have to be . Family or friends is not akin to being Siamese twins and as we grow older .....we stop making excuses for this bit....for needing that time out...the breathing space but more importantly feeling the need to screen those other sides . As a mother , its a lesson i teach myself....to extend the same understanding and discernment to my children , as they grow older......
 Because trust me....all of it...requires huge....really huge amounts of courage...The courage to finally say...that not everybody likes me and i am okay with it ......That its okay to outgrow things and people and friendships and relationships . That its my choice to decide who and what and how i want to divide my 24 hours into . It does not make me a bad person ...or any less kind or gracious or humble...It just means that i am doing the best i can .....and you have to trust me on that . 

Its okay....to let go .
And its okay for others to let go too . There will always be people ....grown men and women...who will let you down ,  use you.....And there will also be those who will make you feel like a fool . You may think you have earned and developed the ability to judge and sift but if there is one thing i have learned , then it is this....that there is no escaping this hurt . That people look you into the eyes and speak lies , say things they do not mean at all ....the good guys....with people hanging onto their every word....the cool ones...who act fearless ....that turn out to be the biggest cowards, the ones who stitch together neat lies to make themselves look better...i think they probably believe it about themselves too...

Let go....it is their journey and their own figuring out to do . I read somewhere that , some stuff doesnt age well....bitterness is a really ugly thing in an adult .

Honesty is the single best gift you can give yourself and your loved ones especially as you grow older...
  .....honesty that rears its head when you reach 35 ....like i have and wonder , what is it exactly....that you are doing with your life....oh you know the constants , the responsibilities ...the haves and the have nots.....but you still wonder...in moments lone...
No matter how great and happy ones life is....there is a certain loneliness thats attached to growing older and coming into your own...but that is just how contradictory life and its emotions are.

And i am okay with this lonely ....which many of you will argue and call solitude . No, it isn't....its just plain lonely......the kinds that makes you fall in love with late night and wee hours of the morning conversations ...the kind of spilling forth of all sacred ...non sacred thoughts and ideas and experiences ...
and some times...sharing of the quiet....that can only happen after a certain age.....
i am okay and thankful for it ....for the quiet that streaks my sky in those wee hours of the morning when its still dark and i can spread a rug in my terrace and wonder about
how growing up is synonymous with summer trapped in the furrow between the eyes
and the smell of winter in the hair
and spring inside that heart....


Stealing words from the  ' Architect '

If I should have a daughter, have a son
I would want to tell them one thing:


"Your life, your body," I would say
“is a country with a history
as thick as any the lands you walk on.
It in are your own wars, your own triumphs,
you’re own laws, you’re own leaders.

There will be those that will try to rule your country,
try to shape it, mold it - deny them. Refuse them entry
because only you know the weather patterns,
the landscapes, the inhabitants.

There will be days where it will rain and flood you -
let it. For with the rain, comes growth.

There will be a time when someone
will try to make you their home - this is a good thing.
But wait for the day an architect travels to you,
wait for the one who will look beneath the surface
and love the fossils as much as the flowers."




and thats all this change is dad.....happens with age....just like that .....seemingly out of nowhere , your soul gets wings and it could never..... not be so .

grins n smooches
Sonny ~










22 comments:

  1. Cool......really like your style.

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    1. thanks for stopping by amitabh...appreciate it...

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  3. *sigh* it is an honour to know you, Sonika. ((((HUGS)))

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    1. trust me Marianne....the pleasure is entirely mine...big big hug

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  4. Needed this reminder today ".it is their journey and their own figuring out to do . I read somewhere that , some stuff doesnt age well....bitterness is a really ugly thing in an adult ."

    You are so right, another one is "if they don't add value to your life, let it go .........." that is what my darling man told me yesterday, when I confided of the betrayal of my bestest, well who I thought was my bestest anyway *sniff*

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  5. OH my!! You are a fantastic writer--but of all the beautiful topics you've written, your poetry in motion-- and comments in general-- this tops everything--least I think it does! This could be applied to a person of any age and gender--and all situations one finds self in! A beautiful read! Now--I shall reread it again! I'm so blessed to know you! Hugs and love from Mich!

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    1. thanks so much for your kind words mich....really...touched...

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  6. that sacred place where independence and assertiveness and humility and confidence all merge together seamlessly...gracefully ....smiles...yes, it does...and it is cool....your body is a country with history...love that from the verse...there is a lot of wisdom in the verse but also your words...and that too is part of growing up....nice to see you...smiles.

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    1. i am always amazed when you stop by and read whatever i scribble....for not forgetting and giving up on me.....thank you for that......its always wonderful to hear from you...

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  7. Welcome back, Sonny. I've always enjoyed your writing, and have missed it while you've been away from Blogger. Your description of the process of ageing is one of the most articulate I've ever read.

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    1. i am sorry mitch...i just travel far too much...and life keeps bogging one down...and i take the easy way out with facebook...but i believe you aren't there...thank you so much for your kind words...appreciate them...

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  8. Sonika, it's Mark speaking. Yep, me, just your favorite gay Italian-American disabled Hebrew :) I love your perspectives on aging, and the poem at the end. As I grow older, I am increasingly realizing that the power to mold my life is mine, and exclusively mine, and that I can achieve anything I set my mind to. Now, obviously there is some limit- you'll never see me doing a higher-mathematical algorithm, for instance. But really, the potential I have within myself, PLUS the potential in the world is limitless... Each of us is powerful, more powerful than we know, and we have the power to make our lives a living poem or else a dead letter. I should let you know that I'm paraphrasing another Indian woman as I say that- Miss Anna Leonowens, a Bombay Anglo-Indian who "passed for white", the woman whom the governess in "The King and I" was based on.

    We are each thoroughly capable of living out our dreams... and as I grow older, I find I have more and more courage to face down the doubters, the ones who tell me my dreams aren't realistic, or try to make me do something else, or try to change me. Yes, others have their input, but ultimately we are each under our own power, and we don't have to answer to anyone but ourselves. There is a Jewish chant I am quite fond of, and translated, it goes something like, "No, I'll fear no one at all, no one except the Lord, the Only One!" I've already come so far, farther than I ever expected to go, and accomplished so many of my dreams already. The rest are just waiting for me. So think of what you can accomplish if a crazy little pagal like me has done so much...

    And I think you are correct on aging. It is not something to be feared or deplored, nor some sort of disease to be kept at bay with cosmetics. It's a process of maturation, a signpost of what we've gone through and survived. I intend to do exactly as I please when I am old and I will be fiercely proud of every white hair or wrinkle. I will dress like a college professor, even if I am not a college professor in real life. (And if I am, so much the better! It'll fit!) and when my hair goes snow white, I will dye it crazy colors. And I will put flowers around my brow and sing in the street... and smoke a pipe, and drink sherry after dinner. Oh, old age will be glorious! :)

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    1. my dearest Mark....i do not know what to say...your words bring me so much happiness ...it really cannot be put into words...i have seen you metamorphose from a carefree devil may care teenager to this amazingly responsible and focused young man ....intelligence ...command over languages ...history....these have always been your forte and now i see it all find a direction....like i said fills me with such calm....of course all your dreams are going to come true...you will make it so...i promise...:)

      you better come to india when you are old and have flowers in your hair n brow...smoke a pipe...i'll be older and even merrier company ...hugs

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    1. and i love you too Harshita Mahajan...

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  10. I had to read this article few times, not cause I couldn’t get it the first, but just cause with every read I could relate more and learn more. Learn...yes, from sentences like " There will be those that will try to rule your country, try to shape it, mold it - deny them. Refuse them entry because only you know the weather patterns, the landscapes, the inhabitants".

    We all get strength from inspirational proverbs when going gets tuff, which is exactly what I do from your writing.

    I love your perspective about outgrowing and letting goo and wish I could practise this as well, will save this article and read it often for inspiration.

    I am so lucky to have you as my frien, love you all of you xxxx Lili

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    1. Lili....thank you...sincerely..it floors me that my friends find my rambles inspiring....am jus glad you are patient with me and take out time to read and give feedback...thanks ever so much babes...mwah..

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  11. Where are you now?

    I don't think I'd like a life where I was being transferred frequently. I've only found a few places where I felt at home, and the foremost among those - St Petersburg in Russia - is forever out of reach.

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  12. i am in rajasthan Bill ....i used to love moving..shifting...not so much anymore..am just tired of all the millions of minor things involved in moving...the niggles n the kinks that need to be taken care of when u move into a new place...new city....new house...from paperwork to school admission tests for kids to applying for all those phone, net , gas...etc etc connections to getting each n every plug point in the house functional at the right place....it takes a lot of living to turn a house into a home.....and that bit just wears me out physically these days....

    i still love to travel though....

    why can't u go ...settle down in russia if thats what u want...?

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