a sincere sort of disarray

i rambled on and on today
like it was something
i just had to say
sharing wilted anticipation
unsure expectations
hidden neath' the syntax
whence in truth
all my mind did
was circle back


to the shape of your mouth
       when you leaned up close
                and angled it against my nose
                         the spiraling thump, deep
                                     deep in the pit of of my stomach


the tranquility of closed eye lids
    and your ever so little parted lips


 what does your tongue taste like?... i mumble
like yours, you reply
what does mine taste like ?
heaven
tu hamesha sahi baat bol deta hai jaaneman

still part shy and part overwhelmed
i bury my head in my arms
whilst needy fingers
ache to push your hair back
like daylight savings time


             exposed

this is where i ought to insert
..............*.case foreclosed *



and then
        morning after
zero fluidity
             of
               sleep
                     drunk
                            muscles
               dark emotions akin
to moles on skin
 that won't get rubbed off


in this sincere disarray
i wonder some more
remember ?
the month of june
on the phone,
the song i belted out totally out of tune

pausing the stirring of spoon
                                                i
                                                stare
                                                   at the glint of honey in my tea
                                                                           muse.....
                                                                                if its still me ?


.
© Sonny



 another wonderful night of poetry at dVerse,

~o0o~

Picture perfect ...weather ~

 “Waking up this morning, I smile. Twenty-four brand new hours are before me. I vow to live fully in each moment and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.” —Thich Nhat Hanh

I came across this quote a few days ago and for some inane  reason it filled me with such joy and energy , that is so raring to get unleashed , i wanted to bottle it up and spray it on me every single day....
These lines , in all their entirety describe to the hilt what i feel in that moment when i open my eyes each morning and the dream carries on ....
Somebody told me a few days ago , that to put it simply.....just focus on living your dream without searching for reasons ...the why's and the hows ...and that is exactly what i have been doing . I live , breathe, eat , sleep and dream photography....because i have realized that it gives shape to all the words and emotions and feelings that roar inside me like cumulus clouds and overwhelm the very marrow of me if i cannot express them . You see , they are not the point ....neither are the images....they are the portal to this feeling that sweeps over you , when you are doing what you love....when you are living your dream .

I read read read about images and styles and concepts and dreams late into the night and scribble endless thoughts and ideas and sensations each one evokes within me, in my note pad [ blackberries and apps are just not for me...sigh ]....i realize the more i shoot and talk to people....their comfort level is directly proportional to mine and gets reflected in my choice of subjects and subject matters....

Of course life goes on, all around you .....what needs to be done , has to be done and i cannot plan a life based on whimsical notions that i lose touch with reality or all that is tangible . As a woman , without even meaning to , you focus more on what is required from you vis a vis what you require yourself....but in this thin line of tangibles and intangibles ....i get to dream and play and transcend somewhere into this territory which is all my own ....however metaphorical and profound in the hope that somewhere some time it will translate into what the world at large considers tangible .
So its 6 in the morning and i have just come back from a slow walk with my camera , just soaking ...absorbing my delhi warming its hands, huddled around fires on this cold december day ....and thats what i want to share with you all on picture perfect this week , when its all about WEATHER............

~o0o~

Forgetting that bigger picture for a while.....

As each mommy will vouch for , the one time every child is bound to say something important , something that just cannot wait another second to be said , is when you are in the bath battling with shampoo suds in your eyes .....right at that moment , the door will go bang and a yelp .....MAaaaa .....

not now nandita , later , i yelled back to my six year old
no ma ....i have to tell you something important !
what?? , the resigned to habit me ....

i wish i had a life .
There was a silence from my side for a minute , while i considered if i had heard her right ....so she repeated it ....i wish i had a life ....
oh....hmm.....let me finish my bath, come out and then we can talk about this ?
are you mad at me ma ? is life a bad word ?
no ...not at all , the corners of my mouth lifting of their own accord at the sweet sweet innocent irony of her questions......

Without getting into the semantics of what inspired her question, and trust me ...semantics are important...on most days...just like my ellipses....there are entire novels , lifetimes sometimes woven between those semantics and ellipses ...today....i'd rather focus on life itself . Its been on my mind for a few weeks now ....life and its lessons ....the bigger picture so to speak . Most days , focusing on the bigger picture renders within me huge amount of comfort ....on days like today.....i doubt if there is actually a bigger picture in existence or if its simply a concoction of our minds and hearts and if life is in the details , the small stuff we tell ourselves not to sweat about .

 

Besides i've been wanting to write....its a perfect wintery morning , the sorts that leads you to the hammock under the kiwi tree and chew on pencil ends and trudge through that atlas of impossible by daylight musings . Also when your bff tells you softly that it would be nice if you blogged ....you kind of know deep down , where its coming from.....
 Last few months have been about some major changes on all levels for me and without design they have shifted the plates , the terrain and the marrow of me . The impact has been fairly intense but thats okay.....intensity i can handle , its the lukewarm...halfhearted that has always scared me.....intensity to me is synonymous with life....so i am okay with the changes ....yes, there have been moments when i have literally sat down and sobbed my heart out but like my favorite jane austen line .......

"There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others. My courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me."

the " others " here may and does denote time , situations , scenarios , mindsets , prejudices and people .....always people .....

and of course now another line has become a favorite .....hope is that stubborn thing inside us that insists, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us so long as we have the courage to keep reaching, to keep working, to keep fighting....from barack obama's acceptance speech.....

 

 

 

I've learned that life is going to teach us lessons every day ,  especially those we do not want to learn , ...There will be times when just like the people who matter most .....life will let us down and there's a lesson in there too .....things that matter the most , convictions and values that held greatest significance will fall away of their own accord , undergo changes and make way for new ones.....the frames of life will seldom be in focus, the light always wrong and pixelation all grainy and yet......in all the years to come ......we will look at them with the full weight of our love for the moment when that frame was made .

I've come to love a term ...." slow exposure " ....
I've come to love my fumbling slow yet sure steps to what  i no longer feel scared or shy to term as " my dreams essential to my being alive "
I've come to love the overwhelming naked intensity with which i view these dreams......intense , sensitive yet so pregnant with potential that it terrifies me ...yet i love it...
I've come to love this feeling of feeling/being challenged ....i WANT to feel absolutely flagrantly challenged , pit the very marrow of me against the challenge and earn that glow...bask in it...the sweaty adrenalin ridden glow that comes from having overcome it ....

And i've come to love the sadness too....that sometimes envelopes me and almost always passes....yet again reflecting ...refracting life....
Life...wherein you wake each morning....at that precise moment when a slanting sliver of sun's hazel ray travels over and across your eyes...you wake with that childlike wonder intact and faith in all that is yet to unfold ....and know finally that it will always be that picture [ after you've been yelled at for not turning off the bracketing feature ] ....that picture, that moment , that phase, that month .......the one you didn't plan for ...but felt within your bones so deep , that it ended up becoming that very same life lesson i talked about earlier....

....that one... will always be your favorite ....and help you keep the courage of your young unsophisticated naked self in tow....

Is life a bad word ?
hell no...not one bit....


~o0o~

Picture perfect ------ contrast ~

We are so made that we can derive intense enjoyment from a contrast and very little from a state of things....so said Freud. I for one subscribe to this theory wholeheartedly....as a photographer , one is always chasing light....some thing subtle in the background....to bring out the intensity of what we want to portray in the forefront.
Life....is such an amazing potpourri of contrasting emotions....almost always...that fine balance that is so sought after, is never really achieved. Life as a whole is forever divided between the big picture and its smaller moments...in constant conflict .

I have included here 3 photographs, which are my personal favorites ...some of you from multiply, may have already seen these on my blog there ....What appeals to me in these is that if one looks carefully , endless contrasts can be drawn here....ranging from colour , and depth of field and textures and even emotions in a single frame.......

 

 

sonny [all rights reserved ]

three kinds of lonely

 


today has been smoothly haphazard

 

organized chaos or chaos organized

closing my fist around a ray of sunlight
honey gold
and warm
imbibing the fluidity of a bumble-bee
drunk on life
or hoping to at least
shrugging my shoulders at the pariah kite
circling
always with 10,000 reasons to fly away

do you see me

 

pressed between the pages of your old spiral notebook
forgotten under the succulent syllables of poetry
you penned many moons ago

today has been haphazardly smooth
of wayward thoughts supremely uncouth
i pedaled to greener pastures
climbed a high
munched on the lows
pocketing that final piece
of a never ending puzzle
called 'us'
trapping it forever
under the weight of right answers

Today i pulled out my bicycle ....put my breakfast in an old lunch box.....pedaled towards india gate....along rajpath....found this old structure one could climb up onto.....settled down to read my book...take a few pics.....marinate in some thoughts and sunlight....soak it all up.....


Its open link night at dverse ...:)


~o0o~

monday mojo ~

when i was little....my mother had passed instructions to everybody in our home...a tap on sonny's shoulder every time she starts talking and takes off as if somebody has pressed the fast fwd button on her precious red n black philips two -in -one . This was her effort at teaching me how to speak concisely without eating up half my words....slow me down a tad .
The philips two in one , which in those days meant that you had a tape recorder and an in built radio, went everywhere with me ....i saw , soaked , breathed life in technicolor ....and in my head...there was a song in the back ground of every scene life presented . Life it seemed was unfolding at such  humongous velocity , it felt almost natural to have a head brimming with words and speak at the same speed to keep pace .

It is now....a fortnight away from turning 35 , i realize....i am probably a late bloomer . Still the same somewhere inside....still brimming with words and thoughts...still overwhelmed with seemingly mundane things which come across as ordinary everyday life to most ....emotions like cumulus clouds ....
..................What HAS changed is my need to communicate or even attempt doing the weirdo act of speaking aloud about the frames as they filter through the sieve of my eyes, mind and heart...and get absorbed into the very marrow of me . You cannot . Its impossible . Needless to say, i make extremely bad company , i can walk quietly by your side endlessly without feeling the need to say a word , disconcerting to many... at the most i might look up at your eyes , it isn't that i am not paying attention to what others around me are saying , what you are saying , au contraire every syllable , every nuance of body language gets registered .....

The change is in the velocity i mentioned above . With each passing year....i have learned to slow down ....and set my own pace so to speak . On the graph of life...a longer arc ...all my own . 

Which is why i write and make pictures ......i set my own pace . I once heard Gulzar say that words are like solid rock formations....they always have shadows underneath , tilt one and see what crawls out...and sometimes the weight of them becomes too much to keep inside . There is that weight...and then , there is the literal weight every word carries which you share , communicate to anybody . Therefore i dole them out in precious miserly bits....because somewhere...someone is simple enough to hold them close to their heart .

My pictures , i am often told...reflect the same . Reflect what i was feeling when i took the shot...or rather when i saw the frame....hopefully , in time ...i will learn to detach myself from the subject and convey the subject matter in my pictures , in their own light , so to speak .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I still view life , sometimes through technicolor glasses...sometimes in sepia or black and white... , still a song in the background ....chewing on thoughts and feelings ....catapulting them onto the paper my way...to see what crawls out . Concisely .

I guess ma's plan did work out .

~o0o~

picture perfect ....aglow ~

I don't know if all of you notice...every time somebody speaks of fall colours....well , because thats the season we're in the middle of at the moment...but any season for that matter...every time we describe it....we say....the best colours are yet to come, the best flowers are yet to bloom, the mad snow is yet to be ...and i start  thinking about these two paradoxical analogies we live our lives with....never living in the moment...and yet positive and hopeful in our beliefs...that the best ---is yet to come .

I am becoming one of those people...who live their lives according to alarm clock pings built inside their heads....pretty desaturated if you ask me ...there is no other way to juggle what is , what needs to be, what has to be and what must be . Its a lot like free falling and returning to the same place again and again . Life.

How many chances does one really have...to get it right . How much luxury...to get it all wrong . Left or right , well trodden paths or the one less traveled ....as you keep chanting ----the best is yet to come.....you stand smack in the middle .

there's no cheat sheet to life ....:)
My wit has flown out of the window .....and i find ...the easiest thing to focus on is....the light....always the light.
And thats my comfort...no matter how confusing it all gets....no matter how bottomless the hour glass ....even under the darkest shadows...

There's always light .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

sonny [all rights reserved ]

 

 

~o0o~

Pirouetting melodies trailing me home

  
i've felt the numerous unspoken dreams in those eyes
 i've seen the yearning behind the confident facade
is there a name for this?
isnt it enough that i felt it
it is after all just a feeling
to be felt in your soul......


fingers busy , trying to fit the key into the lock
the mind an absolute blank and yet this deep rooted urgency to record
each frame as it had happened or even while it was happening
for all the times to come
she knew without a doubt that today would be the scale against which all first meetings
would forever be measured against
biting that lower lip furiously
she still couldn't wipe the grin off her face
yes....
grinning not smiling
grinning like idiots was how they had sat in the car
talking about mundane things like beggars and price of gas
there hadn't been any need to say...shake hands ...introduce oneself or smile that first polite smile
nothing......
an instant easy camaraderie riding high on under currents
undercurrents....
while they talked, traversed the traffic
her sub conscious stretched herself out into a diva pose hissing in her ears

stop staring at your feet dork....look up....see his eyes resting on your hand...deliberating on the right moment to hold it and lighting a cigarette instead

 he took her hand the minute they entered through the gate and started walking towards the ruins....unapologetic ..whence...of their own accord his fingers entwined hers , unapologetic in the way his eyes traveled slowly starting somewhere near her ear lobe and moved down towards the point where the neck meets the shoulder....and when she paused to take a picture...unapologetic...in the way...he tucked that lone strand of hair behind her ear .

he noticed all of her and she pretended not to notice

and maybe it was this...this very quality...in him...in the atmosphere...that put her at ease . None of it felt wrong.
 
softly like footsteps fading away
if every stirring was analyzed
reason behind that warm rush of joy
on hearing that treasured laugh
or a slow smile
a moment shared
isn't it enough that we felt it..

all this while...the conversation
and laughter
the carefree kinds
flowed and filled up the cracks in the cobble stoned path they walked upon

and when he took a side turning , what was it she had said ?........

" why are we taking the longer route ? the main entrance is in front ! "

He had looked at her indulgently and said...." its called delaying gratification  "

" and thats called an innuendo ".....she had replied

he had thrown his head back and laughed...impulsively lifting their still entwined fingers and placing a kiss on the back of her hand

she'd read a phrase once----" a parade of soft first kisses trailing behind us , the sort of little bread crumbs , that i sure as hell hope, Gretel grew up to enjoy... "  Now she knew , what it meant....

Then there was the moment , when trying to cross the road , she had grabbed his arm...a little above the elbow and later marveled at how natural and simple it had felt ...as if she had repeated this same actions millions of times before...that feeling of deja vu

turning the key that finally fitted , she unlocked the door
and walked inside
knowing fully well
about firsts
about the futility of dwelling on them
just
little gusts of wind that comes...lifts your hair a bit and lets you breathe......
reminding you little details about yourself , which sometimes
one forgets
in this business of daily living

 

like my secret box of memories , taken out now and then.... 
as i sit all alone looking out of my window , 
and feel again
the pleasure of undefined moments
undefined bonding 
undefined silence 
that speaks a thousand words
yes..... its enough that we've felt it
because, some things in life are simply to be felt
its enough....

© Sonny

 

 

A very interesting exercise at dverse this time....giving rein to your imagination , and weaving poetry and prose together....irresistible to me .....!

 

 

 

~o0o~

You say..........

you say

come
not because i ask you to
not.... because i don't know what else to do
not for me and my unsentimental trivialities

but for the patch of green moss in my yard
under the fig tree
and a lone aster beside
that awaits to see your mouth
chewing a pencil end in concentration
as you sprawl and write

come
because its time
needing someone so bad ....has to be a crime

come, not for the silence that seeps every pore
when an ochre august dusk peeps through the door
but for the guttural call of the cicadas
as if imitating the roar in the pit of my stomach

come
for that tug
you know which one

for mornings laced with the smell of strong coffee
and a toast wanting to burn in your hands
the breeze that refuses to lift the curtain
 i am almost certain
it awaits a pair of green eyes

smiling
shrugging
tilting

playing.....watching its each and every antic

don't listen to me
but give in to their demands
come now

for the subtle glow from my night lamp
longing to infuse
bathe your skin
for the side of the bed
which you will claim as yours

end their strife

fill up my life

with possibilities

once again

come
because its time
needing someone so much.....so bad
 has to be a crime.....


sonny [ all right reserved ]
 
* ya.....even though i am old fashioned......and would rather have you come....you could put up a mighty good argument if you say that........


Its open link night at dverse.....



 ~o0o~

Picture Perfect .........Peeping Toms ~

First of all , please do accept my apologies for missing the action on here.....mine and yours . All i can say is ....the business of day to day life gets hectic at times and i am not such a great multi- tasker . I've been told by friends to pull up my socks and shake out the lazy bones , also at the same time a huge thank you to all of you who've written in to inquire where it is i am permanently going to be blogging here on in, with multiply closing down ....its tremendous motivation .

The theme at our favorite picture perfect this week is PEEPING TOMS....cherie is our darling host and i feel like a total rockstar at having inspired her choice of subject...ha ! Since i cannot use that particular photograph this week, i am going with a choice of three others , which may not be sound technical pictures but then....i am somebody who goes more for the FEEL of a scene ...the moment and the light....rather than specifications on my camera .....


THE ART AND PLEASURE OF BARGAINING 

BEHIND EVERY DOOR AJAR....THERE'S A STORY

THE CHEEK OF THIS PEEPING TOM

© Sonny


To view more fabulous peeping toms...check out------
http://thatswhenwesnapped.blogspot.in/2012/09/ppf-peeping-toms.html


~o0o~

Just this.......

 

Who knew that the
piercing cry of a cicada leads to a restlessness
so benign ...
you reassure you are...
but are you really mine
something about being alone ,
as this north wind chills the bones
it stares at my face
seemingly taunts
There's something...
something small....that i achingly want.
 

                                 I want it gentle and i want it slow
                                     i too want to be suffused
                                         with that enviable glow
                                            to know the feel
                                

                           how you write
                                       your name on my back... 

                                                                         with just a finger
 

                                     tracing the contours ....

                                                                   let it

                                                                         linger...
                                         

                                                                                                                     when the world goes quiet
                                                                                                        in the pale glow of the streetlights
                                                                          will you simply hold me tight ?

                                                          

                                                               When words refuse to cooperate and i get all tongue tied
                                                                                                  will you read each  unspoken syllable
                                                                                                                           written in my eyes.... ?
                                                                                                                       with each heaving breath
                                                                                                              as i hide my face in your chest
                                                                                                                     flushed in a crimson tide...
                                                                                                                            my hair all messed up
                                                                                                                         i know i will look a sight
                                                                                                         in that moment of uncertainty ...
                                                                                                             will you please hold me tight ?

 

Through the pores of your hand
the path that you trace
                           could you 

                                         umm....seal it with a kiss
                  at each secret place ?
       and in this soft silence....

                                     with naught a word uttered
                  again and again
                  all through the night
                                                                  promise to gather me close
                                                                   and hold on tight...

and maybe
maybe then
chewing on this lower lip

in consternation will lessen
and the heart wont pine
and i will know....that you really are mine...

© Sonny

its open link night at dverse

image via tumblr

~o0o~

Solitude ~

 SOLITUDE

Solitude can be such a cozy partner
indulges us with the most soulful conversations
a million bifurcations
the what ifs
and the just -in-cases
flights of wishful fancies to unknown places
me and my solitude
we do this often enough

if he was here.....this is what he would say
oh this , would definitely annoy him
and that --would make him roll his head back
laugh uproariously......

yes.....
me
and my solitude.....we do this often enough
on days when the going gets rough
the ache refuses to subside
and the rawness seems so alive
accessible and throbbing



yes.....
we....
my solitude and me
we give breathing space to our thoughts
i say , its a damned fine plot
we play dreamcatchers
and insist on hammering it out
sit under the shower
and draw smiley faces on the bathroom mirror
watch joy shoot out like a slingshot
grin at our own inside joke
as the drawings drip and blot

on some mornings... he sits across the room
watching me wake up
still in the throes of sleep...
of sleep and convictions
that get washed away with the first sliver of dawn
a willing pawn
still lost --- focused
as if trying to etch every detail of my lovebugs face
burn it so deep into my head
that it lingers long after i am dead
seemingly inconsequential things

the tilt of his head
the mole on his neck
pronouncing his o's as u's

i stretch and the solitude comes closer
i hum lines in hindi
hoping to beguile him


tu badan hai....mein hoon chaaya
tu na ho....to mein kahan hoon
mujhe pyaar karne waale
tu jahan hai
 mein wahan hoon

he nestles closer
and i rest my head
in the crook of his arm

sometimes
we just do less for awhile
and don't feel guilty
about doing it all

.
© Sonny



 another wonderful night of poetry at dVerse,

~o0o~